Like an alcoholic...

I woke up this morning and had to go re-read the email response I sent to a friend who just cancelled babysitting for Leo on Thursday.   She was my last hope.   She'd emailed me "don't hate me but..." and I said something like "just because you say "don't hate me' doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hate you."   Or something sweet like that.    And then I took out recycling and there were a lot of wine bottles.  And then I walked around the house with my scale looking for a surface that would register a lower weight on the scale.  

Where's Jeff to talk me down off the ledge?   He's on the ledge in Alaska.   Every call from him is pretty much a bummer.  The pinks ARE NOT JUMPING.  The fishing has been really really light and he has worried that he will only come home covering his costs.  This is a horrible thought.  Or reality--whatever it ends up being.  

I think I forgot to light my money candle for 2012.   I did light my "may my son be happy and sweet and healthy and tan easily" candle.  So that's good.

Jeff told me how a Swedish Couple came thru Alaska on a sailing trip and they joined the fishing boats for a barbecue and it was the best day of the summer so far.    or as he put it "the first fun day of the summer".  Next summer I think Jeff should just go to Vegas.  Same odds and free drinks.  

Leo is so chatty theses days.  Talking like an almost 3 year old.  And he's funny and obsessed with what we're doing next.  He likes a full  calender.   He goes to sleep asking me what's going to happen when he wakes up.  I tell him things like "CABO, BABY!"

Portland was just awesome and it was tough and exciting to come back from that work trip that also felt like a vacation.    It was tough to come back to Santa Monica with all the thin blonde vacant eyed mom's on the playground.  The weather and our bike makes up for it. 

I've got to use Leo's nap time and memorize for all the auditions I have this week.    BAck to my version of Vegas.  In Portland I was so inspired working with some incredible playwrights--doing what I love the most in the world.  What I am best at and what I should be doing all the time. Theater.   And now I'm back auditioning for roles I have absolutely no faith that I'll get.  I have really no faith in casting these days.   As my tarot card reader told me last winter "just focus on theater and let the TV and the Film people come to you..that's how it's going to go."    And I believe that.