I"m like that one scary drunk guy at a concert

who just walks around bumping into people...looking angry--who everyone knows is trying to start a fight. That was me on Sunday night on the playground. I'd stand next to other parents and tell them 'I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD". This would be in response to them asking me "is this your ball?" There was a pair of very doting grandparents at the playground who didn't know that when you come to the playground you have to fricken share. otherwise STAY AT HOME. Every thing that Leo would pick up they would pry out of his little fat hands and replace in their stack of toys. They did it over and over again. Until finally I walk over and say--"OH, I'M SORRY. DOES HE KEEP TOUCHING YOUR TOYS? I'LL MAKE SURE TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM YOU GUYS." and my tone was like a serial killer. I hope.

oh my god--i was an exhausted mother..and the feeling hasn't really left. What happened?!!! I was doing so well--I felt so fricken on top of it all. And now things are getting scary. I bought Leo 2 pairs of shoes today because I couldn't decide between the 2 pair. Deciding things is so hard. How do people do it? i'm literally like "apple or banana...which one should I give him. Apple or Banana?!!! how are these things figured out!!!" It doesn't help that he says NO to everything now. Except to shoes. He loves shoes.

I'm bitter about all these parent things---which is not what I wanted to happen. I wanted to be above that. But I'm not....at all. i'M IN IT. When I walk thru the park across the street from us I've started counting the homeless people sleeping on their faces with their bags of possessions next to them. Zach used to call them 'hobos' and he was always so kind to them. The only harsh thing I ever heard him say was "wow, hobos really are kind of lazy." And I usually feel that way--not that they're lazy--but that they are a part of our community. They are. But now I'm a stressed parent and I want Leo to be able to run in the grass sometimes without stopping every 2 seconds and pointing to a guy saying "night night?" AHHHH i can't believe I'm writing this? what's next? FAmily VAlues!!!????

I'm losing it.

Another thing--why don't we have any used toy stores on this side of town? I need to buy things and everything is so expensive. I can't wait to get to 'once upon a child' in indy and buy 100 dollars worth of stained plastic toys in plastic toys. We need them.

I took Leo to a music class today and none of the mothers would sing to the songs....and the teacher was getting pissy. The only people who sang were me and a nanny who only sang the spanish songs. The teacher said "Now I KNOW you all know Itsy Bitsy spider..." and got angry at the class. While she's wearing a giant fish shaped hat.

Tonight I was supposed to go out and work and I went to a spin class and then I was going to go and prep for a VHONE thing I'm doing but I couldn't find a coffee shop open that has wi-fi at 8pm. I MEAN COME ON!!!! so that made me mad. I'm on a bender. I ended up coming home about 15 minutes before Leo was to go to bed and he and I sat on the kitchen floor and ate pasta. As he clutched the photo of Emma in his hand. It was pretty sweet and sort of just what I needed.

I feel like I can handle tomorrow--but if he wakes up and the first thing out of his mouth is 'choo choo' and he points towards the TV...I'm making him go count the homeless people. Which is a horrible job because you look like an asshole when you do it. Plus the other day--while I was making this big show of counting them--one of the guys sat up and looked like 'hey..she's counting us. why is she counting us?" I don't really want to teach Leo to be an asshole so I need to start meditating or something.